Cancer has been a part of my life since I was seven. My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and this was the first time I had ever heard the word and witnessed the anguish and fear on the faces of everyone as they discussed it or we visited the hospital. I didn’t completely understand what was happening, but I did know it must be really bad if all the adults were so upset.
My grandmother had a mastectomy and was seemingly back to normal after a lengthy recovery. As a young girl I thought, ok this isn’t so bad. She’s all better! Then at the age of 13, my uncle passed away at twenty-eight years old from colon cancer. Bam! This was a pivotal moment in my life and one that impacted me in many ways. The fear of this disease became a new emotion for me and was magnified to a new level when, at sixteen, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
In the years to follow, other family members were diagnosed with cancer. I began at an early age to take every precaution, monitoring my health and making healthy lifestyle changes. So, when I was diagnosed and heard the words, “You have cancer,” I was filled with overwhelming emotion that is difficult to put into words. For me, it was a combination of fear, sadness, confusion, and anger. Questions consumed my thoughts and kept me up at night. How did this happen to me? It’s not like I didn’t take care of myself. I buy organic foods and try to minimize processed and inflammatory foods in my diet. Exercise is a part of my daily routine throughout the year. Visits to the doctor for regular checkups are a priority. What’s the deal?
Now, almost nine months after my diagnosis, I have come to realize that some of my greatest life lessons have come from dealing with cancer, either as a caregiver to family members, or with my diagnosis. These are some of the things my experiences with cancer have taught me.
Sometimes things just happen
For a very long time, I would constantly ask myself things like “Why my Mom,” or “Why this person or that person” and then it became “Why me”. The truth is there is no answer to that question. If I ask myself why this happened to me, then that really means I think it should happen to someone else and not me. Well, that’s certainly not true. Sometimes, try as we might and take all of the precautions we can to stop something bad from happening, they just happen. Genetics, exposure to something in our environment that we had no control over or a long list of other possible reasons.
What I have learned is that challenges and obstacles are going to happen for us all. That’s just life and I believe it’s in these challenges that we can learn and grow as a person. When we accept whatever that challenge may be, we can begin to make changes that help us cope and move to a new “normal.”
Communication is key
One of the things I struggled with as a teenager with family members battling cancer, was not knowing a lot of the details of the illness. While communicating health crisis information to a young person certainly needs to be age-appropriate, I do believe that including all family members in a conversation about the illness is key to building healthy coping skills.
As a sixteen-year-old, in the throes of my teenage years, high school, and preparing for college, I learned my mother had cancer. Soon after the diagnosis, there was surgery, lots of tests, and trips to a hospital ninety minutes away for radiation treatments. While I “knew” those things were happening, there was never a discussion with me about what all of it meant.
I was left with a lot of questions and a lot of emotions I didn’t know how to handle. Did they get everything during surgery? What does radiation do? How do my parents feel about all of it? Is my Mom in discomfort or pain? Is she going to die?
I had amazing parents who were affectionate, loving, supportive, and focused on family and I believe they were trying to protect me as much as possible. What I have learned is that even the most loving and nurturing families can struggle with a health or life crisis, paralyzing communication out of fear and feeling uncertain about how to cope.
Looking back on that time I realized we didn’t have conversations about what the surgery, treatment, and emotions of the family members meant. As a result, I struggled for “years” with expressing my emotions in difficult situations for fear of upsetting someone or making a difficult situation worse.
Communicating with openness, honesty, and love can help reduce the fear that often accompanies the difficult life-changing moments we all face. With my cancer diagnosis, my husband, daughter and I have had many conversations including how we each are feeling, our fears, and what we each need from the other to help us better cope.
It is not a one-time conversation but rather a continuous “checking in” to see how the others are doing. As a patient, it is a huge relief to be able to talk openly with my family and friends about how I feel physically and emotionally.
Lean on your friends
This is a tough one! First, I don’t like to “lean” on anyone. I’ve always thought of myself as an independent person who can support and take care of myself. I often viewed asking for help or breaking down with emotion as a sign of weakness. However, in the weeks and months following my diagnosis, I found immense comfort and support in my friends.
One of the greatest gifts of cancer has been reconnecting with old friends I had lost touch with over the years. Sounds weird, I know. Cancer can give you a gift?
There were many dark days, as anyone with an illness can tell you, but the support of my friends helped get me through them and not feel quite so alone in this battle.
Some friends called and just talked, not necessarily about my illness, but the stuff women typically talk about. It made me feel “normal”, “not sick”, and connected. Some friends sent cards and thoughtful gifts that helped boost my spirits, while others visited and spent time just sitting with me and talking. These people “showed up” with love and support.
What I have learned is that it is okay to accept help and support from your friends. It can be a literal lifesaver! I have also learned that not all in your circle will rise to the occasion and that is okay. There are friends that I have lost and some I just haven’t heard from for whatever reason. I defer to my first lesson, “Sometimes things just happen.”
Focus on the important things
The quote “Don’t sweat the small stuff” is true! We often get caught up in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives sometimes doing things out of habit and because we think it is what we are supposed to do. The truth is, not to be dramatic, we have a short time on this earth and every moment matters!
Make it a priority to take time every six months to reevaluate how you are spending your time. Are you focusing on the people and things that matter to you? Is what you are doing bringing you joy? You may have a job, relationship, or friendship that just isn’t working any longer, or maybe you’ve over-committed yourself to events. Once you prioritize what matters most to you, then you can begin to make changes to your habits or daily life that support your quest for joy and happiness.
Your path is special to you and, while we can’t always control the obstacles or challenges in our path, we can control how we react and respond to them. Look for the lessons in the challenges. That’s where growth happens! My wish for each of you reading this is that you find a place of peace, happiness, and joy on your path!! And, if it’s not working for you, change it!
Resources
Dana-Farber, “For Parents: Talking with Children About Cancer”
National Cancer Institute, “Coping with Cancer”
Cancer.Net, “Coping with Uncertainty”
Cancer Care, “What can I say to a newly diagnosed loved one?”