It’s Going To Be A Bumpy Ride
I became a mother a little later in life than many of my friends. At 33 years old, I felt more prepared to be a parent providing emotional, physical, and financial support. Being the mother to an only child I felt I had one shot at getting this right. Or, at least not screwing her up entirely! I loved being a parent and embraced it at full speed ahead. I tried desperately to balance providing for my child with being careful not to overindulge.
Any parent of grown children will tell you the terrible twos or even threes are not the most challenging years. Those younger years are preparing you, toughening you as a soldier in boot camp. The teenage years will test you like no other challenge in your life. There are days you will rejoice in the fact that your teenager is having a conversation with you. There will also be times, as you witness a rollercoaster of teenage emotions, that you will wonder how on earth this small human is part of you.
Parenting is a job! The job skill set will require unlimited patience, empathy, ability to counsel, referee, teach, discipline, cheerlead, and provide medical attention. As parents, we learn that counting to ten before speaking in certain situations is in the best interest of everyone. The family car becomes a taxi service shuttling children to and from school, athletic events, and social events. Our lives become a deluge of activities and appointments. We wonder what it would be like to have an entire day to ourselves. Suddenly, one day, seemingly out of nowhere, our children are gone, leaving the nest to embark on their own journeys.
There are countless books on navigating pregnancy, and raising your child through growth stages. However, when our children leave home, we are more than likely not prepared for the emotional roller coaster we experience.
Empty Nest Syndrome
Empty nest syndrome is not a clinical diagnosis. It is an emotional stage many parents experience when their children leave the home. This may happen when children leave for college or move out of the family home. Of course, every parent is different and handles the change differently. However, many parents will have feelings of grief, loneliness, sadness, and loss of purpose.
Stages
Grief, relief then joy!
Initially, many parents may feel grief and a sense of loss. Not so much that they are losing their child, but that they are losing their role. The free time after the child leaves the home can leave a huge void. For mothers, this grief can begin before the child leaves as they anticipate and worry about what is to come.
The amazing thing is that after a few weeks or months, there will be a sense of relief. Finally, take a deep breath, as you leave work because you don’t have to rush to pick up or make dinner in between events. The realization sets in that you now have time. Time to do all of the things you’ve wanted to do but didn’t have time. Those empty voids of time begin to be filled with hobbies, either new ones or those that were abandoned when the hectic life of child-rearing became overpowering. There is time to get together with friends, go on walks, or exercise.
Embracing the gift and space of time, self-reflecting, and settling into your new role will bring a feeling of joy! During this final stage of “empty nest syndrome,” reflecting on the changing role of parents can also begin to shift the mindset of loss to joy.
Take Aways
Parenting never really ends but it does change. The relationship with our children is meant to evolve, change, and grow deeper as they journey through the process of individuation and becoming their own distinct and unique person.
Becoming an “empty nester” is not the end. It is a transition for your child/children and you. It is an opportunity to pivot. Shifting your mindset from a sense of loss to a celebration of this milestone is an opportunity to create a future of self-fulfillment, gratitude, and joy. Seek out self-fulfillment opportunities. Whether it is taking a class, learning something new, joining a community activity, traveling, or redecorating, embrace it and enjoy the opportunity.
Finally, always remember that successful parenting is guiding your child, encouraging and fostering their self-confidence so that one day they can be self-reliant and autonomous. That is the sign of a job well done! 🙂