Contributor: Aveda Johnson, LMSW
I was five years old, and I was wearing my nicest JCPenny overalls and red and pink striped shirt. It was the first day of kindergarten. My mom asked me if I was excited, and I bared my toothy grin and replied “I am VERY excited!” When I arrived at school a little boy, freckled and unfiltered, brashly declared to the class that I had “big buck teeth.” Now, regardless of the validity of that statement, I was rightfully taken aback. I didn’t say anything in response. In relaying the events of the day to my mom in the car home, she gave me well-meaning advice. I would hear the same advice in some form after many similar experiences of moderate to blatant disrespect throughout my life. “You just have to kill them with kindness.”
Throughout Western history, disparities have existed between women and men. The core beliefs we hold about ourselves are influenced by our caregivers, the media we consume, the communities we belong to, and the words of other people who surround us. Because we humans possess a negative cognitive bias, we internalize unpleasant interactions and our response to the interactions as part of a framework for our self-esteem, which is in general in constant flux.
In undergraduate, we were asked to list our core values. I listed “kindness” at the top. I thought this was an easy exercise, and I felt smug believing that I had chosen a field of study that aligned with my ego. I began to think about what kindness meant to me. It meant putting people first, making other people feel comfortable, not taking up more space than I felt was acceptable, and not challenging other people when they expressed their point of view, even if it conflicted with mine. Before exploring this, I had failed to consider that much of my social permeability was rooted in my self-esteem issues, existing in a man’s world, and internalizing ideas of misogyny that all little girls are force-fed. The values that little boys are taught to hold are important and true and are different from little girls. Little boys are taught to defend themselves above all else, their opinions, self-image, and convictions about anything and everything. Little girls are taught that there is nothing more important than to be agreeable.
“People pleasing” under the guise of being a “kind person” throughout a woman’s life can sound like “I shouldn’t complain, I want to be taken seriously because I am lucky to be here,” “maybe he didn’t mean it like that,” “it would be easier if I just didn’t say anything,” “I don’t want anyone to get in trouble,” or “I don’t want to sound crazy.”
By engaging in behaviors, however passive and small, that make us less boundaries we are straying further from our true desires, interests, creativity, intellect, and all else we have to offer. By making ourselves a version of ourselves that is easily digestible to a male-dominated world from a young age, we are robbing ourselves of endless opportunities to show up for ourselves and claim our place, as a male counterpart would.
Practicing statements like “I disagree,” “I don’t remain in conversations when spoken to like this,” “that’s inappropriate,” and “I am still speaking” is leading in kindness by oneself. Infantilizing people by assuming they can’t handle a boundary, a conversation about your reaction to their statement, or an expression of disagreement on your part is not leading with kindness, it is leading with enabling. By showing up authentically, we can break generational cycles and re-learn what it means to be kind. Being in a community with one another means that not everyone needs to like you, and that is okay. Many feelings of unwarranted dislike are related to projection, and not all will be comfortable with the mirror you are holding up for them. However, many people will be moved, challenged, and inspired by your authentic self. As will you.